Thursday, May 6, 2010

Bad news baby

Today as I was driving Dill to the hospital for his renal ultrasound I saw a van in a parking lot for sale. It said "Wheelchair Accessible" on the window. I happened to be on the phone with my sister and she confirmed that it was my mom's van. Dad is trying to sell it is since mom is dead and doesn't need it anymore. I cried most of today. The thought kept coming to me that if she was still here...with a trach and on dialysis at least I could talk to her. I could tell her about Baby Ian and how his doctor called today and told me they won't be putting shunts in. That they are sending us to the Fetal Care Center where most people choose to terminate at this point. 

Mom would rub my head and tell me that life isn't fair. I use to get so angry when she would say that. But the older I get the more I realize how true it is.

Lately Lily has started telling me that it isn't fair when I punish her for something. I respond with "Life isn't fair." Sometimes I try to explain to her that she gets punished more than Dillion because she is older and he doesn't understand. And other times I want to tell her how horrible life is once she gets older. That she should be thankful that she is young, carefree, and doesn't have  a disease like either of her brothers. But I don't, one day to soon she will find out for herself all the things that truly aren't fair in life. Why is it fair that with a 50/50 chance Dillion and I got rickets, but my sister and Lily didn't? How is it fair that my mom died at age 53 after a very hard life, while others in her family will life forever and have to deal with an 1/8 of the sadness and pain that she lived through? Why is it fair that my baby will mostly likely die even though I am a good mom, who tries so hard, does good things, feeds good foods, reads books, teaches them things...and my half sister has 3 healthy children all being raised by other people because she failed them all? Why did James have cancer 3 times? Why is life not fair? 

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